Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
A classic…
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.