When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
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I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I feel this so hard
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.