A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame