Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails