(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
This is so me 😂😂
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.