I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
liiiiiiiiike
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold