Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.