EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.