Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Overindulged this afternoon.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses