No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Breaking news:
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”