“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
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“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol