[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You Might Also Like
Effort made
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
my first dose meeting my second
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.