Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
You Might Also Like
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Twitter remains undefeated
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
me when the borders lift