Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
scared to check what name she chose
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.