Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Mistakes were made
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives