Morning my dudes.
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.