If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.