My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!