wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
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Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.