Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.