You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong