ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
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Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask