If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Hitlers gonna hitl
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes