I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.