My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Have kids, they said
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
All set.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Wait a minute…
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.