50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
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I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir