Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
*Seductively hides in the woods
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.