Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
They’re really bad with fonts.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings