I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Growing up was a huge mistake
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime