Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
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Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.