bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back đ
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Letâs take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didnât
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didnât
Me: Thatâs not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didnât
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
100% of people in this world have texted âI just saw your textâ at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
PLOT TWIST:
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Me: itâs not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: Itâs just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but itâs not illegal
Cop: no, no itâs not
Babe are you okay? Youâve only opened one of your Amazon packages
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos Iâd made from toilet paper rolls
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:âŚ
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
getting old is fun
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Just because you can eat everything at the âall you can eat buffetâ, doesnât mean you should. I know this now.