I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
i- i did not expect this
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical