BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
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Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
oh my god
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”