Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?