Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.