me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
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Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
do what now??
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am