*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
road rage