Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute