Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.