Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
You Might Also Like
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”