Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.