Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
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Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though