One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
You Might Also Like
barbara was highly relatable
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!