HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
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Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years