Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
You Might Also Like
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him