Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The three genders.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food