The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Netflix: We have Less
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us