She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
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Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
These work great until they don’t.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!