Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.