wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
You Might Also Like
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
We decided to have money instead of children.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.